The issue of bullying, including defining what it is, identifying it and then dealing with it, has become more common than most parents realize. When most parents use the term "bullying," they are usually identifying certain kinds of behaviors observed in other children directed at their own child, usually physical incidents such has punching, kicking or pushing, accompanied by verbal expression. While it is possible that this behavior is a sign of bullying, the definition of the term, and the behavior involved, is much more complicated.
The definition of the term bullying, according to psychologists familiar with the behavior, is unwanted, aggressive behavior among school aged children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. It is repeated behavior over time. It must involve the following elements:
An imbalance of power: This can include the use of physical strength, access to embarassing information, popularity, or other means which can be used to control others.
Repetition: The behavior must be recurring, happening more than once, to be considered bullying.
Bullying is Difficult to Detect
Bullying takes on several different forms. Verbal bullying involves name calling, taunting, threats, and the use of inappropriate comments to get a reaction or response. Most bullies are aware of supervision and are very careful to avoid making their comments where adults or teachers can hear. If a victim reports verbal bullying, it becomes a word against word situation that requires evidence to support and resolve. The imbalance of power usually means that even if there are other students who hear and can support the accusation, they generally won't come forward.
Social Bullying involves leaving someone out on purpose, telling others not to be friends with someone, spreading rumors, or saying something embarassing about someone in public. This, too, becomes a word against word situation, though most social bullying goes unreported by the victims.
Physical Bullying is obvious behavior, but almost never detected behavior. And while it does involve things like hitting, punching, kicking and pushing, it can also involve rude hand gestures, taking someone's things, or threatening physical harm without actually perpetrating it.
One of the most difficult aspects of the culture that has developed among school aged children and youth which makes bullying difficult to detect is a social code against reporting bullying incidents. This makes it extremely difficult for kids to report incidents because that is considered "ratting on your friends." Parents sometimes have trouble understanding this, but it is a direct result of social pressure that is an understood code among the students. Our disciplinary files contain multiple examples of incidents caught by teachers, who, in spite of having multiple other responsibilities, are perceptive enough to catch the obvious behavior. But there are far fewer such examples of bullying incidents reported by the victims. And almost none reported by other students. Since most bullying takes place in venues away from where there is supervision, unless the victim comes forward, it generally goes undetected.
But Why is This Happening in a Christian School?
When Jesus was asked, "What is the greatest commandment," he laid down one of the core principles of the Christian faith. He said that the commandment to "love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul and with all your mind," was the greatest, and then he equated the second commantment with the first, and combined the two by saying, "The second is like the first, love your neighbbor as you love yourself." So the very essence of Christian practice is evidenced by the love each believer has for God, and is demonstrated by the love they have for their neighbor, a term defined as any other human being.
So, the expectation exists that all children who are enrolled in a Christian school come from a home or church background where they have understood and applied this practice before they come, and their parents are all mature believers who understand this and expect it to be practiced by their children.
Unfortunately, that is not the case, here, or in any other Christian school anywhere else. It's not the case in any church, either, because bullying takes place there, among the adults, too. Becoming Christian is a matter of having been convicted of one's sinful nature, requiring the presence and power of the Holy Spirit, an understanding of the need for repentance, which is a spiritual discipline requiring spiritual power, and then acknowledging that Jesus is the Christ, and his sacrificial death on the cross is the only means by which our sinful nature can be forgiven and our spirit restored to the relationship with God that he desires.
No matter how sheltered parents may think their children to be, there are outside inflluences which cause temptation, including the temptation to bully. Does your child have a cell phone, an I-Pad or a tablet? Do they spend time watching television or videos or listening to music? Are they engaged in settings where they interact with other children their age? Several years ago, the Christian school where I was serving as a middle school principal had a home school cooperative with whom we shared some activities, classes, and chapel once a week. The biggest issue among the home schooled students was bullying. Even in that much of a sheltered environment, students were tempted by examples they saw and behavior they observed.
So How Do We Handle This?
Most of the bullying incidents that I deal with personally as principal come about as the result of an investigation into some other behavior incident, and not as a result of a direct report. While we have parents who discuss, among themselves, allegations of bullying, and in some cases we are criticized because their perspective is that we "aren't doing anything about it," the fact of the matter is that we can't do anything about something we don't know about. Instead of complaining to each other, a direct report would make it a lot easier to handle the problem, and work to stop the bullying.
So the first step is for parents who believe their child may be a victim of bullying is to report any incident their child may have reported to them, or to encourage their child to report directly to either a teacher or to the principal, any specific incidents with as much detail as they can remember. All such reports are confidential, every student's confidentiality is protected.
Parents also need to understand that they are not privileged to know any aspect of the resolution of the problem, including any disciplinary action taken, resulting from a report of bullying. That is also protected by confidentiality laws. The assurance we can provide is that we have looked into it, we have confronted it and we have applied what our school policy states are the appropriate consequences. There is never a circumstance, when a credible report is received, that our response is "not doing anything about it."
We also try to be proactive, in the direction we take with our instruction in Biblical studies, to address issues from the perspective of the practice of the Christian gospel. "Loving your neighbor as you love yourself," is a principle that can be demonstrated at school, by letting students known that their classmates and their teacher are their "neighbor." Being disrespectful to their classmates is not being obedient, and is defined as sin. And regardless of their level of Christian understanding and maturity, that is a concept they can understand.
Moving Forward
We've been working for a while now to get an expert in this field to serve as a resource for our teachers and staff, providing some training in this area, and including parents in this opportunity. The interest in this is quite widespread, and having someone consult with us is difficult to schedule, since we are specifically looking for someone who has a Christian perspective. But it is still under consideration and in the meantime, we continue to increase our awareness. If it is a concern of yours as well, please don't keep it to yourself, because unless we are aware of it, there's not much we can do about it.
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